我以為自己已經想通了, 但原來...


昨晚, 當我走向巴士站途中, 我突然感到很輕鬆.
我覺得自己的事很渺少.
我覺得應該著眼在自己可以做到的事, 而不是失去了的東西 (即使那東西有多珍貴).
我想通了.
我從心底裏笑出來.
是真的. 沒騙你.

所以..
今天, 我把自己解封 (i.e. 不再在網上 invisible).
是還有些期望, 但也知道是不實際的.
心裏是難受的, 但我相信我能做到的.

一天下來, 甚麼都沒發生.
我以為, 一切都完結了.
我以為, 我能忘記..

但是...

今天晚上, 你就在我最 unexpected 的時候出現了.
我嘗試以平常心對待你.
我嘗試做開朗的我.
我嘗試 keep you entertained.
最後, 我竟然, 竟然, 不想離開.
我竟然想重新考慮...

或許, 我只是在自欺欺人.
或許, 我始終想不通.

只好, 不斷提醒自己...
我不能再次陷下去....

或許, 再次躲起來是一個不錯的想法.
(只是躲 "你" 而已, 不過你不會知道... )
或許, 今次的事也能依靠時間去沖淡...

I did something ______ yesterday, and I am nervous about the response (if any) I will get.
** The blank can either be (1) sweet, or (2) creepy

I hope I am not freaking you out. I hope you are not feeling annoyed. I hope you won't hate me for that. I just want to tell you what's on my mind, but since I cannot really face you now, I turn to a more subtle way. Leaving hints. Hoping. I am both nervous and excited. I am restless for the whole day. I want to know if you have discovered yet. I want to know how you feel. I want to know what you think of me now. I was happy when I did that yesterday. That was because I hadn't thought of the negative consequence it may bring; I was very sure it would have a positive outcome. Do I regret? I don't know. Maybe a little bit, but more "no". It is a risk. It can make things way worse than now. It is a very great risk. But I cannot stand the situation now. It has only been two weeks, but I lost the patience. I want to do something. I don't want it to be worse, but even being worse is better than no change right now. Yes, I hope things will go my way, but I am not in control. I haven't been in control from the beginning. I don't know what else I can do. What I did was like "the only way among no way". (I don't even know if it makes sense.)It is a desperate thing to do. Kind of pathetic too. Oh well, what else is new from me? I am always too arrogant to admit that I am the loser. I always want to change the situation when it is not what I want. I always end up doing useless things. Just like a drowning person hanging on a leave floating on the water...... Sigh... I am sympathizing myself as well, which is purely sad.

Let me be like this for another month or two. Need the time. Maybe something will change. I am surprised that I am still having hope, even though the chance is very slim....


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Thank you for your call today. There are things that I don't want to tell you. It is not because I hate you or what not; it is simply because things are different now between you and me. I don't feel comfortable to discuss certain things with you. I hope you understand. I don't want you to be affected by me. I don't want interfere with you in any way. You are always welcomed to phone me, but please don't expect me to be the same as before. I cannot and I don't want to. I do appreciate your care, and actually take action to show me that. Thank you again. I wish you well in everything, especially the "thing" you are going to do next week.


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Will I get a response? Maybe you don't even know what I have done. Maybe you did find "that", but you decided to ignore it... Maybe I am just being too wishful...

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I am going to finish the letter I started a month ago. This friend of mine is being very patient to me. Perhaps too patient. I think I have violated her trust, and I feel really bad. I hope it is not too late to do something...

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Tell me you care about me. That's all I want now.

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I shall stop here, as I have something urgent and important to do. My brother is leaving again. I know I will miss him.

A quick note.

I did my first qPCR today! I was so excited that I did not want to go home, so I stayed for the run to finish.

Results? Not good. Half of them were not working at all. The other half gave me weird data. Oh well, I don't really know how to analyze the data yet... All those Ct values are confusing. I am still not sure whether a bigger value means more starting materials or a smaller value suggests that. Yes, I could search for it, but I am not really in the mood now.

Judging from the large standard deviation values, I think my pipetting skill is not very good. But I think a more reasonable explanation is that the pipettes I use are BAD.. We still have those old style Gilson pipettes.... I miss the ones in Filip's lab.... Rainin pipettes!!

Anyway, shall do another qPCR tomorrow. And I will pay a close attention to my pipettes this time, or I can steal someone's else to use. Apparently, other students do get good qPCR data....

Oh, and I am saving my qPCR plate. Maybe I will put it on the Christmas tree, just like Alice is going to do so with her frist qPCR plate as well... It will be a total-scientist Christmas tree!

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Just too bad that I did not get to share this exciting moment with you... Sigh...